


Trichotillomania

by a_mind_at_work



Series: Anxiety Laf [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, M/M, Trich, Trichotillomania
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 16:29:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8852068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_mind_at_work/pseuds/a_mind_at_work
Summary: This mini-series within a mini-series was inspired both by my dear Trich Anon from Tumblr and by my own struggles with trich. I've gotten a lot of messages from people writing in that they'd experienced this, too, but never knew there was a name for it. If you feel that applies to you, or you're just interested in learning more, check out this awesome tumblr: trichs-n-picks
Enjoy! <333





	1. Trich Part One

**Author's Note:**

> This mini-series within a mini-series was inspired both by my dear Trich Anon from Tumblr and by my own struggles with trich. I've gotten a lot of messages from people writing in that they'd experienced this, too, but never knew there was a name for it. If you feel that applies to you, or you're just interested in learning more, check out this awesome tumblr: trichs-n-picks
> 
> Enjoy! <333

_Pull, pull, pull._

Lafayette could not get the chant out of his head. The chant that was actually an internal vocalization of the nameless urge he felt to tug out his own hair.

He didn’t understand why it happened, and he definitely didn’t understand why he was feeling it at that moment, either. Sure, it was understandable when a math question had him really stressed out, or when he was dreading doing something or going somewhere, but why was the urge surfacing now, when he was seated between Herc and Alex and John, watching a movie at home?

_Pull, pull, pull._

The feeling was building up. His fingertips itched for him to do what his brain was screaming for. He tried to ignore it. He really did. He didn’t want his friends realizing how messed up he was. He didn’t want to reveal any of his weaknesses, not when his friends depended on him to be the strong one.

The thoughts were so loud, though. He couldn’t even focus on the movie anymore. His hand raised to his face, and it felt like it’d done it on its own, without his permission.

_Pull, pull, pull._

His fingers latched onto an eyelash. He tugged, hard. Pop. He sighed. The relief was instantaneous, but not long lasting. He moved onto another, and then another.

He thought he was being discreet, that everyone else was too focused on the movie to be concerned with what he was doing. He was wrong.

“Laf?” Alexander whispered. “What’re you doing?”

Alex’s whisper caught John’s attention, and the way Laf froze at the question caught Herc’s attention, since the two of them were holding hands.

“Nothing, mes amis. Keep watching the film.” He tried to fix his eyes on the screen again, but now the urge was getting worse with the added stress of Alex noticing what he’d been doing.

Once he thought everyone was engrossed in the movie once again, he slowly raised his hand. He was just about to his face when Alex grabbed it.

“Laf, what’s going on?” he hissed. There was no malice in his voice, only worry and confusion. That made Laf feel worse than if his adoptive brother had been angry.

“It is nothing,” Laf said, refusing to meet Alex’s eyes. He instead looked in his lap, at the blanket covering his legs. He wished he could disappear under the blanket all together.

“It doesn’t sound like nothing,” John piped up.

Herc had paused the movie. “Yeah, babe, if something’s bothering you, please tell us? We love you, Laf. We wanna help.”

Laf shook his head. “It’s embarrassing, his whispered, swallowing hard.

Herc squeezed his hand. “Whatever it is, it can’t be more embarrassing than when Alex went to your dad’s formal function dressed up in a chicken suit.”

“That was _one time_!” Alex exclaimed, sticking his tongue out at Herc.

Laf let out a small laugh. “Well, sometimes I… sometimes I feel the, how you say, urge, to pull out my eyelashes? It is weird, I know,” he said quickly.

“That’s not weird, Laf,” John said, leaning around Alex so he could get a better view of his friend. “That’s a part of having anxiety sometimes.”

“Yeah, babe, that’s not weird, though I imagine it can be frustrating.” Herc kissed the side of Laf’s head.

Lafayette still couldn’t look up at his friends.

Alexander squeezed his hand. “Can we help?”

Laf shook his head. “I have no idea how,” he admitted.

“We’ll figure that out,” Alex said. “Together.” He let go of Laf’s hand and turned Laf’s face toward his own. “Laf, we all love you. Please let us help?”

Alex and John were both looking at him with large pleading eyes. When he turned to look at Herc, his boyfriend was giving him the same look.

Lafayette couldn’t help the small smile that spread across his face. “Okay,” he said softly. “Okay.”


	2. Trich Part Two

When his friends had asked to help, Lafayette wasn’t so sure what that would entail. He was anxious about letting them in, letting them see what he was like at his worst. Thankfully, he didn’t have to worry for too long.

The next day, Alexander knocked on Laf’s door then burst right in, laptop in hand, the glow of the screen casting a light upon his face. How he managed to walk and stare at his laptop screen at the same time, Lafayette had no idea, but he’d learned a long time ago to never question the quirky things Alexander did.

Alex navigated his way around the clothes strewn across the floor and plopped down on Laf’s bed, right next to the other boy. “So, I’ve been reading,” Alex said. “And I think I know how to help.” He looked up from the laptop screen and met Laf’s eyes. “As long as you’re okay with it, of course.”

Laf stammered for a moment. “Uh-uh, of course, well, tell me, mon ami, how you plan on, um, how you say, aiding me?”

Alex’s face lit up and he turned back to the screen, scrolling down a big wall of text which was occasionally broken up by stock pictures of distressed white people holding their head in their hands.

“So I’ve been reading up on trich, and I know it’s a compulsion and that that stuff’s not easy to stop doing, but apparently bringing awareness to it and then replacing the behavior with a healthier one can really help.” Alex stopped scrolling and looked up at Laf. “What’d ya think? Wanna give it a shot?”

Laf was nervous, but he shrugged, doing his best to seem nonchalant. “Why not? It’s not good to throw away one’s shots,” he said.

Alex grinned at his adoptive brother. “Great! So, um as for a replacement behavior, hmmm…” He went back to scrolling. “The article suggests a few. Should I read them off?”

“Oui, merci,” Laf said.

Alexander cleared his throat. “Okay, well, there’s always putting your hands in your pockets, or sitting on them, ‘til the urge passes.” Alex scrolled a little more. “Fiddling with a piece of jewelry is good, too. Or fiddling with anything, really.” Alex shrugged. “Oh! A stress ball! I have millions of those! Wanna try that?”

“Okay,” Laf said quietly.

“Any of the other ones sound good?”

“All of them seem fine, mon ami. Merci for your help.”

“Okay, great!” Alex said, enthusiasm dripping from his voice. “Can I tell the others? I think it’d be most effective if we’re all in this together.”

Laf shuddered at the idea, but they already knew about his problem. And it wouldn’t be fair to Alex if he was the sole helper. Laf nodded.

Alex shut his laptop and pulled out his phone. A few seconds later, Laf’s phone buzzed from his nightstand. He grabbed it and saw Alex had messaged the group chat.

 **Alabama Hammerman:** Soooo remember how we all wanna help Laf with his trich? Well I came up with some ideas, and got Laf’s permission to share :)))

 **J-Law:** Sweet! Nice work, babe  <333

 **Hercules Muscleman <3:** I was just researching trich and ways to help too

 **Hercules Muscleman <3:** Damn you Alex beating me at helping my own bf

 **Alabama Hammerman <3:** I am his brother, ya know

 **J-Law:** Don’t be so salty Herc omfg

 **Baguette:** Mes amis! Please do not fight over something so small!

 **Hercules Muscleman <3: **You know I just like to show-up Hammerman, babe. We’d never seriously fight <333

 **Alabama Hammerman** : OKAY so are we ready to help Laf??????

 **J-Law:** Heck yes!

 **Hercules Muscleman <3: **Always <333

 **Alabama Hammerman:** So when we’re hanging with Laf, if we notice any hair pulling, we can do one of three things: hold his hands/have him sit on them/put them in his pockets, give him a stress ball to play with, or have him fiddle with a piece of jewelry.

 **J-Law:** Sounds good to me!

 **Hercules Muscleman <3:** Anything for my baby <333

 **Baguette:** I love you guys more than anything in this life  <333333

When the crew was over at the Washington’s later that evening, Alexander excitedly directed them up to his room, trying to hustle them along before they’d even gotten their shoes off. Once they were there, he instructed them all to sit on his bed.

Lafayette watched as Alexander pulled a box out of his closet and opened it so the others couldn’t view the contents. Alex handed each of them a stress ball, making sure Laf got the American flag one.

“How the hell do you have so many of these damn things?” Herc asked, examining his–– decorated with tiny dogs–– and giving Alex a concerned look.

“I’m literally always stressed out,” Alex said with a shrug. “They kind of just accumulated.”

Laurens squeezed his, which had the Columbia University logo on it. “How did you get this one?”

“College visit! They give away the best shit at those,” Alex said with a wink.

Alex showed them the one he was holding, a simple light blue one. “This was my first. George gave it to me after my first therapy session.”

“I remember that,” Laf said with a smile.

“Babe, I got something else for you,” Herc said. He shoved his hand in his pocket, pulling out a tiny box. He handed it to Laf and watched as his boyfriend opened it, an anxious smile on his face.

Inside was a golden ring with the French flag on it. Laf’s eyes filled with tears as he pulled it from its holdings. Herc held out his hand.

“May I?”

Laf nodded, giving Herc the ring. Hercules slipped it onto Laf’s thumb. Laf admired the way the flag glistened in the light.

“I thought it’d be good to fiddle with,” Herc said softly.

Laf looked up at his boyfriend before leaning in to give him a slow, gentle kiss. “You are the most amazing boyfriend in the world,” he said tenderly. He looked at Laurens and Alexander, who were smirking at the two boys. “And you are the best friends in the world. Thank you so much, mes amies.”

Laf wished he had more words for how he was feeling, but he was no Alexander. His friends gathered around him, pulling him in for a group hug.

“Anything for you, Laf,” Alex said. “Anything for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have way more fun than should be legal when giving them names for the text messages!


	3. Trich Part Three

There was one part of it Lafayette was certain his friends would not understand, so he kept it to himself. He had finally allowed his friends to help, and, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he felt like he couldn’t handle losing their support all of the sudden, and he was certain that revealing this secret would do exactly that.

So he stayed quiet. He was used to staying quiet, anyway, after keeping his anxiety a secret for so long. But if he was so used to it, why was it so hard this time?

“Laf. LAF!” A hand tugged on his, pulling it away from his face where it had unconsciously crept as he’d gotten lost in his thoughts.

A cool metal square filled his hand. “Play with that, babe.”

Right. He was with Alex and Herc. Laf and Herc had gone out on a date to the movies earlier that evening and then Alex had convinced Herc to hang around for a bit afterward. The Washingtons, of course, didn’t mind. It was a Saturday night, after all.

The three boys were sitting on the couch together, waiting up to watch SNL, Alex’s favorite show.

Laf was tugging at the fidget cube Herc had placed in the hand Alex had pulled away from his face. He knew the two of them were carrying on some conversation, something about tonight’s SNL host and the musical he’d written, but Laf couldn’t focus on it.

From the corner of his eye, he checked to see how engaged the two of them were in their conversation. From the way Alexander’s hands were flying around, the answer was very.

With the hand not holding the gadget, Laf acted like he was itching his neck, then slowly let his hand creep up to his cheek, to his lashes. He needed to finish what he’d started, what Alex had interrupted. He needed to. He needed to feel the burn of it, of the hair being tugged from its follicle. He wasn’t sure why he needed it, either. He just knew he did.

He gave it a harsh pull, but it didn’t budge. He relished in the slight burning sensation, though. Well, he relished in it until a hand was on his again, this time, its grip tight.

“Laf,” Alex said.

“Babe,” Herc said from his other side.

“What’s going on? Are you stressed?” Alexander asked.

It was a valid question, but no. Laf wasn’t particularly stressed. He just… craved it. He craved the feeling. But how could he tell Alex and Herc that? They would really think he was crazy then.

“No, no, mon ami. It’s a, a, how you say? Compulsion?” His breaths were coming faster. He hadn’t been stressed or panicked before, but now he sure was. Just getting close to them finding out how he was feeling was sending him over an edge he hadn’t even realized he was close to.

“I will be right back,” he said quickly, springing up from the couch and making a dash to the bathroom before either of them could stop him.

Of course, Herc was hot on his trail, catching the door as Laf tried to swing it shut.

“Babe,” he said, hovering in the doorway. “What’s going on?”

“You’ll think I’m, I’m… twisted,” Lafayette said, sinking onto the tiled floor, his knees drawn up to his chest.

“Babe, no, shhh. I would never.” Herc knelt down next to Laf, pulling him close. He ran a soothing hand through Laf’s curls.

“Well, when I, um, pull? On a hair? Sometimes, sometimes––” He took a deep breath. He knew that if he really wanted to recover, he would need to be honest. And who better than his boyfriend to start with? “Sometimes it burns, and I… I like it. Or maybe, more, um, accurately? I need it. I need the feeling, Hercules,” he said, crying onto his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Oh, babe, shhh.” Herc rubbed tiny circles into Laf’s back. “That’s probably part of the compulsion, yeah?”

“Actually it’s because the pulling releases adrenaline,” a voice said from the doorway.

They both looked up to find Alex standing there in his footsy pajamas with tiny turtles on them, a gift from Laurens, arms crossed, staring at his two friends who were huddled on the bathroom floor.

He shrugged, a grin spreading across his face. “And Laf, it’s normal. It’s so normal! And we’ll help, okay?”

Laf nodded over Herc’s shoulder. “Okay.”

Herc squeezed his boyfriend and kissed the side of his neck. Alex grinned again before scampering off down the hallway to the living room like a child on Christmas morning.

“What do ya say? Wanna go join the eavesdropping rat?” Herc said with a laugh.

Laf chuckled. “Oui. And mon cher?”

“Yeah?” Herc replied as he helped Laf to his feet.

Laf gently kissed Herc on the lips. “Thank you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this mini-series within a mini-series! 
> 
> If you identify with any of this, I would love to hear from you, btw! I hope you now know that you are not alone. <333
> 
> As always, you can read more of my stuff and chill with me on Tumblr over at @undiscoveredstory <333


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